The Window Slightly Ajar...

Dearest,

All this while, we have been estranged, there have been oceans of thoughts i have wanted to share with you. Things I would not normally share with anyone but would feel completely natural to let you know exactly what I am thinking at that precise moment.

Primarily amongst these, is the realization that my past associations, including the one with you, have been so strong that they in some way colour my present and will colour my future relationships as well. In this process of moving ahead, wherein I needed to shut shop entirely, there has remained a window that is ever so slightly ajar. This window in me which remains ajar is enmeshed in a time warp of such intensity that it insists on never letting me be whole again.

Now, emotional ambiguity prevails predominantly! In every action, reaction, relation, elation; there is a void....a vacuum that can't be filled...not even by your presence. I need someone capable enough to withstand the time warp to shut that last window, that's ever so slightly ajar.....Therein lies my salvation...

Yours....

RESULTS...and more

After a busy and eventful beginning to the year, February has brought with it a slump.
The only thing on my agenda seems to be waiting for results.
Today finally one wait is over..I came to know this morning that I have not made it through to SIMC.
well that only leaves me with my semester exam results to await..

I am co-authoring a new blog with my friend Balaji..
Please do drop by and leave us ur comments..

IDLI CHUTNEY

IT ALL WORKS OUT IN THE END...

Everybody loves to catch up with friends. But in this busy day and age to actually meet up and hang out with people outside of work place or educational institution is very difficult. Its the eternal problem of TIME.

Strangely I found a few friends all relatively free on the same day, when I had the time and opportunity for a house party.Now, here comes the catch....I knew each one of them from a different place viz. one from pune, one from my building, one from a class that I once took etc and some of them were bringing their friends to boot.

So, not only did my guests not know each other, I had guests whom, even I didn't know.
Now, if you have ever planned a party you know, that this is a sure shot recipe for disaster!!
Guess what....
Surprisingly, it was a HIT!!

People started arriving at around 6 in the evening. Every time a person came in there was this introduction session, but I restricted it to who's who and left them to figure the rest in the course of the evening. Till around 8, when my last guests arrived, it was pretty interesting and you could literally see people "getting to know each other" over a couple of drinks.
Its funny how comfortable the whole atmosphere became. Not a SINGLE person, and i don't exaggerate, not a single person was left out. Yes, there were some jokes that were sometimes lost on a few people, a few lapses of memory(i.e."Oh sorry, what was your name again?" kinds) and some verbal faux pas, which could actually happen anywhere.

A multi-cultural, multi-professional and metropolitan crowd, it was quite a stimulating and fun place to be.

Dinner was an even better affair. Despite it being a Friday night we decided to take a chance at a restaurant, without prior reservation. Piling into rickshaws, after 2 tries we finally got a decent table at one, where NONE of us had eaten before (For those in Mumbai, its called "Restaurant 5", in Santacruz, around Rs.250-300 per head, exclusive of alcohol) . It was one of the best meals I've had in a really long while. Pleasant ambiance, amazing food and even better company!
Funny stories from school, college, work place from such a broad spectrum of people...It was fascinating! Not one boring moment.

We then headed to Bombay Blues, for our eternal favourite, Sizzling Brownie Sundae. There outside through the glass we were entertained by a couple of kids diligently practicing their WWE moves.That kept us for about half an hour.

All then camped at my place for the night..Floyd in the background(minus the vodka, unfortunately).There was a chaotic mess of people who had to get to work and college and stuff from 6 o clock in the morning, and all this from people who had finally condescended to sleep at 5 am.

I was left behind with a messy house, impending studies for my next paper and a sense of happiness.

Everyone here last night had a good time and has made a minimum of 2 new friends.
We figured out rock music is a common interest and most of us are meeting again tonight at 'Livewire'..the am-band finals and rock show as a part of Mood Indigo, at IIT Bombay...

so go figure!!! :) :)

I should try this more often...It all seems to work out in the end!!!

CSM

i studied for it till my brains went all fuzzy..
eight excruciating days, i was all busy..

through random numbers and simulations..
to end in a page full of tabulations...

the distributions of probabilities..
to check system reliabilities...

while thinking of the time...
when i leave all this behind...

today dawned scared and queasy..
i think this rhyme's just getting cheesy...

so lets get to the actual point lastly...
my paper today was extremely ghastly!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a random rhyme after an appallingly traumatic paper of COMPUTER SIMULATION AND MODELING..
cheers to u'll while i get to my next paper!!

BLOGGERS..POETS AND CONFESSIONS...

I like my blog!!
Well I'm starting by saying that because, unwittingly this has become a rather important part of my life..
I always knew what kind of a writer I was..and how much or how little I could do with my words..
I'd begun this blog for absolutely no reason...save...boredom!
But now its extremely therapeutic...
To be able to vent..or simply ramble....basically treating it like a Pensieve(For those who are Harry Potter ignorants..check the link)..
But wait..a diary serves this purpose too..doesn't it?? In fact its better...u can write whatever the fuck u wish...no one to censure it or judge u!!
Nah..thats what makes this place different and better!
The people.....those who read your blog regularly and comment...leaving behind words of advice...happiness...wisdom...comfort..as and when required..
Following other blogs by other people just completes the blogging experience...
The variety of topics...difference in thoughts and opinions...radical lifestyles...there is a lot that gets reflected in each blog, irrespective of the kind of blog that it might be..
a lot of people say.."I MY BLOG IS ME"...well i cannot somehow wholly agree with that statement because each one keeps a bit of themselves away from others..the reasons are different for each...
but everyone does it...
i don't judge people by their blogs...
i don't assume or presume that i know ANYTHING about the person just because i've been reading his/her blog...
but it DOES give u a sense of familiarity...

Now i really admire a lot of my "blogger friends"...

Annie- with her undiluted words straight from the bottom of her heart...
i admire this because..call me a wuss but i NEED the cover of poetry or abstraction to
express...

Ashu- who is so clear in each of her posts and pays attention to every detail...
her thought process clearly visible in each and every one of her posts...

c e e d y- heres one i started following only recently...but i think he comes up with great ideas in his posts...
his innovative and creative streak comes across on his blog..

D- opinionated and independent....yet her posts have an extremely homely feel to them...

Dharmabum- now i do enjoy his "bummy" way of writing...he's irregular but makes up for it with extremely long and flavourful posts when he gets back..
his posts are like captain cooks recipie...but u can still taste every ingredient..yes even the socks!! ;-)

DreamCatcher- aahhh...this is Mr.Big Words...my God I learn atleast one new word per post from him...
He writes beautifully in both English as well as Hindi..his poems have an ethereal quality to them which is extremely seductive...

Eva- aahhh..this is one good writer...shes refreshingly different and really good...
its a very young though sufficiently tempered view on life...which is beautiful to behold...

Keshi-this is one blogger whose blog is genuinely her online diary...
she write without inhibitions and reservations...the way she manages to carve her everyday life into such interesting posts, it makes me feel that life is never dull..
its the way u look at it..

Raajeev- this guy is absolutely amazing...completely out of the box...
the romanticism in his tales are amazing...and his poems are equally if not more brilliant...
he paints a very vivid picture irrespective of the medium he uses..

Neo- aahhh...the dark side of the moon.....
he uses his blog to vent...but what a beautiful blog that makes it...
his templates are always beautiful..and his poems..my oh my...they are dark..dripping with pain...the only colours he makes u thin of are the scarlet of freshly spilled blood and the black of death!
All this makes his blog strangely addictive...

Nothingman- Only lately have i realized the true value of this genius....
"i admire him" is an understatement...i absolutely love him...
i don't know HOW he manages to come up with a story AND a poem every day...and never has he posted an excuse for either...
sheer talent!!

PK and SAJIT- well these are actually my friends(not only on the http)...
and their blogs tho listed are defunct...but i mention them here because i have been greatly impressed and influenced by their words and works...

Shimmer- tho not on my roll...I'm amazed by this runaway poet!!

I really want thank all these people for making this fun and enriching....and all the others who visit this place and brighten my day...I read many more blogs and appreciate the sentiments on them all..the above are just a few who have left an impression on me in some way or another...
this seems to have a tone of finality to it..but I'm definitely not going anywhere and will continue to waste web space for a long time to come...
Keep blogging people...
Cheers!

REVELATION

Today I'm Liberated..I'm Free..
There's no place else I'd rather be..
Gone past the irrevocable change..
New Beginnings..They can be strange..
---------------------------------------------------
I've just got my Life back..
I'm doing the same things..
But my heart feels so light..
And everything feels so right..
---------------------------------------------------
In order to move on confidently and unabashedly..
I have to make peace with my past..
See the path I've traveled..
Learn not to regret the ME of the past...
And Understand and accept the me of the present..

THE VOICE OF A TERRORIST

My life is abhorred,
But for me was felicitous and gay,
as I chose the spiritual way,
They raved and ranted,
About God being squandered,
We listened enraptured,
Our minds staid and stronger,
We soon picked up rapiers,
And severed our minds,
Took an oath of subsistence,
Till placed in our shrine,
A promise of a tryst,
With the almighty lord,
Lured most of our kind,
To the paths we trod,
It wasn't a spoof,
I realize now,
I'm trooping those heights
My wish will materialize now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(the thought i have expressed in the poem are what i understand form the concept of JIHAD from a time when terrorism was not a professional option!)

The reason I have written this poem from the perspective of a terrorist, is because I was genuinely wondering what makes them do what they do and stick by it remorselessly.

I tried to do a little reading to figure it out, but obviously a terrorist has yet come out with his/her biography saying "This is why i became a terrorist----".

The reasons could be a plenty and varied. Broadly it could be because of socio-cultural conditions experienced while growing up, company kept by impressionable minds and more often than not some personal experience of loss because of the same activities they perpetuate in order to take revenge.

Meaning no offense to any religion but a majority of the terrorists in the world today, are Islamic. Unfortunately, because of these miscreants and their distorted interpretation of their (actually beautiful) religion, a stigma had been attached to Islam in countries which are not primarily inhabited by Muslims. The prejudice has only increased the divide.

"Mujahideen", is the word they use, which means struggler(it has its root in the word 'jihad').
The mujahideens in history were considered heroes, thats another things the TERRORISTS have negated, the positive implication of JIHAD in history.

But despite their abominable actions, what actually disgusts me something else.

Today, Terrorism has become a high profile PROFESSION, under the false guise of religion.!!

Living in India, we have now faced a lot of terrorism in all parts of the country in the past 15 years. Right from the 1993 blasts to the Hyderabad blasts of last week, perpetrated by organizations from within and without. Each time a different Lashkar or Mujahideen organization takes the responsibility for the incident.

But among all other emotions, I always wonder,
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING????

EGGS FOR BREAKFAST

When making my breakfast
in the morning today,
I wondered, what it my egg
represents my day?
An omelette, with chopped chillies,
onions and tomatoes,
Is a day when life, keeps you
on youe toes,
A fried egg or two, either sunny
side up or down,
Indicates a happy one or one,
marked with a frown,
An egg minus the yolk, for
the diet conscious folk,
A day of healthy living, lest
we die of a stroke,
An egg that goes wrong, can
be scrambled,
A day when life, is all
in shambles,
But fluffy buttered scrambles,
make a very tasty dish,
And ultimately breakfast in bed,
is now my wish!!

GOLDEN WORDS

Life deals everyone with at least their share of shit,
But each one reacts differently to it,
Some understand that it is crap and flush it,
Others stir it, just to test what happens.

EXTREMITIES.......

I have never meant this blog to be a journal....but unwittingly my moods, my fears, my emotions etc have dribbled their way into it....

Incidents and events are of no importance in the bigger picture...they are to be treated as trivialities...if given undue importance, they morph in to disaster!
Well sometimes...when u want to numb the emotions u tend to focus on the event...and analyze its technicalities...the "hows" and "whats" instead of the "whys"...

This is easy to do....emotions and events are manageable when they take place at different intervals of time and are independent of each other....
But when lightning strikes from 4 directions at once, then it is impossible to not think "WHY"??? Rants of self-pity...like.... Why me?? Why now???
But like they say....If not YOU then WHO?? If not NOW then WHEN???

But if u look around closely....Emerge from your convoluted sense of the world and pay some attention...Keep your eyes and ears open....
You will realize...you definitely are not the only one....
Its literally "Kahaani Har life ki".....
and with time and experience I've also come to believe in the adage...
"That which doesn't kill you..only makes you stronger!"

So...I figure...Live...
Go Make Mistakes...and some more!!Fall...so that you can rise again.....all the wiser for the fall.....

But for those who understand the happier side of the world...
My perception of the world just gets weirder..

I live in happiness and despair all at the same time....Tremendously happy...making everyone who stays around laugh....and feel the twinkle of their happiness...let it invade ur being....
UNTIL...the other monster takes over....the sulky, sullen, irritable...near-clinical-depression self...which emerges to simply confuse the shit out of you!!

So effectively...I become...Happy...Depressed...Confused!!
Now Do I clinically qualify for psychosis???

Now answer me this....So...What is my mood today????

Back to the basics...

She sat alone on the beach staring at the immense expanse of the ocean...
desolate...scared...lonely....
nothing was particularly wrong in life...but nothing was particularly right either...
As random thoughts flitted through her brain...she felt a desperate urge to write something...
So she blindly penned down her thoughts...Her hands moved involuntarily...when they finally stopped, she tried to read the words...
But they were a blur...it took her several attempts before she could focus and see them clearly....they read...

It takes you away from the mundane,
Yet everything remains the same,
In its vastness, everything pales to insignificance,
Breathtakingly beautiful,
Yet inexplicably scary.

She looked at her life....full and empty at the same time....
She had intended to remember that there is always more to life than the present happenings..
and that she would continuously find new reasons to live no matter what...

But then a huge rock came crashing down camouflaged in a tidal wave...it shattered a lot of things beyond recognition...all that was left when the tide abated was DEBRIS...
then she asked...
Now how am i supposed to find SENSE and a REASON in debris????
There is a need for very many things...
the need to reemerge...the need to redeem...
the need to rationalize...the need to surmount!!
slowly though it will be...the process must begin...
Must go back to where I can recognize myself....