A break up is never simple. It entails a lot more than just ending your relationship with a person. You lose a lot more than you anticipate in this bargain. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years and over the last 2 weeks I've realized that I've broken up with a lot more than just him. I must mention that we parted mutually and on fairly good terms due to some irrevocable issues, hence I probably don't have a completely bitter hangover like American coffee (seriously, those guys DO NOT know how to roast their beans) its more bittersweet yet strong like perfect South Indian filter coffee.
Not as a sob story but as a set of observations, some of which are even funny in an odd way I would like to enlist everything and everyone that I broke up with along with my boyfriend.
So, I broke up with...
...my best friend
However cliché this might sound, it happens to most of us. Your source of comfort, your confidant and the buddy who would sit beside you in the hypothetical jail cell - very obviously gone.
I have to find a version of me without him, that I can recognize and relate to. All versions of me currently seem inextricably tied to him. This philosophical search for self is damn weird because my question then is - where was I all this while and who was I all this while.
Oddly it seems like my common sense, whatever little I did have, was an external entity which was linked to my ex-boyfriend! I'm incapable on making the simplest of decisions without a momentous inner struggle followed by a moment of enlightenment, which has unfortunately led to some extemely un-enlightened decisions. The dumbest things have been done... For instance - a *paper* bag full of *books* was carried on a train journey. I ask now, what aesthetic or rational function did the *paper* bag serve? But of course, the bag tore! And with 5 other bags, packed to the brim, at hand it was a travel nightmare. Hopefully my common sense will eventually find my way back to me.
A message for it: You are sorely missed. Please return home at the earliest.
...the black magic woman
He had unleashed this crazy woman who looked just like me. She was me and she was everything I was not. She was sexy, naughty but definitely not bitchy! She had this intoxicating effect on people which I couldn't produce even if I tried! I liked her very much but, she seems mighty miffed that I drove away her muse - the one who unleashed her! Although I didn't know her before him, now that I do, I want her back - that beautiful, enticing, enthralling creature!
...a future that once was
Two and a half years is a long time and when you are in a serious relationship you tend to imagine a future together. What these imaginative sessions leave you with are images, plans and hope for a future that could be. All of this crumbles as a result of the break up. Images fade, plans become defunct and hope is lost like a straw hat that is not secured in a whirling beach breeze. I had once written a poem which ended with "...there's still the future bright with hope and many a rainbow to find". I would like to like to tell that silly little girl that she would sooner find a leprachaun and his pot of gold than find a rainbow! Yes, a new rainbow will be found but it will be preceeded by a turbulent storm, thunder and lightening. Hopefully the rainbow will be sweeter and prettier for all the effort that will go into finding it.
There was this girl, who cared so much about him and everything she thought and did was connected with him. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I also broke up with her. This was no accidental breakup. In fact I broke up with her with a peculiar vengance. Meanness is an understatement... I was malicious to her! I near well did everything except push her down a cliff! She is also the only person I'm not sorry I broke up with. She is also the only one I don't want to even try and find again. The same place where she came from will come another loving maiden when the right prince beckons.
After all the destruction with the "break up", I believe its time to be constructive. Lots of rebuilding to be done. Confidence, hope, friendships, magic and Sneha...